Sometimes I’m proud of where I’ve come and how I’ve grown. I look around and see some people that will always be the same, and I see some that are making lives. I’ve learned a few things. I’ve learned some stupid things that will never mean anything, and I’ve learned some things that will catch you off guard. I’ve always been the kind of person that has to learn on my own. You can tell me things repeatedly but I have to fall on my own face before I listen. I have to get hurt before I can say that I know. It’s hard to describe, but I would much rather get hurt and learn the hard way. I don’t know why, but it’s just how I’ve always been. Sometimes I tend to listen, but the majority of the time I’m stubborn. I’m finally twenty-two and I would like to think that I’m smarter than I used to be. School was never really for me. School was too hard, and I couldn’t pay attention. I can’t force myself to learn. Some people can handle it but for me it’s different. Sure I don’t have correct punctuation and grammar, but when it comes to life I could probably blow you away. I see people on a daily basis that I wish I could just shake into reality. Then I see people that I would love to learn from. I tend to observe people. I love to watch them and learn. I may not be the smartest person, and I may not have made perfect grades when it came to history or english, but I observe like nobody’s business. 

I tend to forget that I’m human and I crave to be perfect. I constantly search and search for ways to be perfect. I want so badly to be the one person that never messes up. I know it’s inevitable, but for some reason I can’t accept that I’m human. One thing that I’ve learned is that I’m going to always be this person. I can never be perfect, as much as it kills me, but I can be the best person that I know to be. I may never make the right decisions or be as good as I want to be, but there’s nothing wrong with trying. I’m here on this earth for two reasons. One, to bring glory to the only One that gave me life. Two, to live life to the fullest. I make mistakes and tend to really mess up when I mess up, but I learn. Sometimes I wonder what I can do to really make myself something. Then I realize that if I just keep focussed on God, and take life by the throat, I will be something that nobody will ever be. I’ve come a long way in life. I’ve come through addictions, and heartbreaks. Here I am, twenty-two years later and finally content with life. I get depressed sometimes and don’t know what to do with myself, but then there’s a part of me that knows everything will be okay.

People don’t matter. I get ridiculed, talked about, and dogged on constantly. My past is something that everyone knows and hold against me. I’m learning that those that  judge me based on what I used to be mean nothing. Those people are jealous. They see the life that I’m making for myself, and the happiness that I’ve finally achieved, and they want that. I look at the sources when I’m picked on and realize that those people will never amount to anything. For the rest of their lives they’ll be dogging on other people without thinking about their own flaws first. I’m content knowing that those people are just people with no lives. It’s hard sometimes to see that, but when you finally see it life is great. 

Friends are few and far between. It’s not the quantity but the quality. I’ve got horrible abandonment issues. I feel like everyone is going to leave me. I don’t like it, but that’s how I am. I would go into some sappy details and tell you my life story about how everyone’s left me at some point in time, but I’m over that. I am what I make myself. My happiness is mine and what I make it. I’m learning to be alone. I’m learning that the times that I go through aren’t anyone else’s. It’s all me. I’m learning to love myself. I’m learning to realize that I’m better than what I think I am. It’s all in the mind, and I’m determined to make myself something one day. I may not be the smartest, or the best person, but I know damn well that I can be what I want to be if I try. 

I’ve learned a little over the years, and I guess it’s time to apply what I know. 

Twenty-two years ago today I was birthed into an amazing family and blessed with a perfect life. I’ve got beautiful friends. I’ve got everything that I could ever ask for. I’ve got a wonderful life. I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve literally lost all hope, but in the end I had more hands to hold me up than I could ever ask for. I’ve got a God that takes care of me, a family that supports me more than I could imagine, and friends that encourage me beyond belief. Sometimes I look back on the stupid things I’ve done and said and wonder why people are still around me. Then I realize that those people are the ones that matter the most. I’m talked about a lot in this little town, but those who know me don’t listen to that. They don’t bother, or judge me. I’ve grown up in this little place and I couldn’t ask for a better home. I’ve been here and there, but there’s no place like home. There’s nothing more in my life that I could want. Money means nothing, enemies mean nothing, my failures mean nothing, mostly the people that don’t know me, mean nothing. I’ve learned to take the good with the bad. I’ve learned that there’s always going to be people that dislike me. I used to think that moving away would help, but now I see that there’s people like that in every town. I haven’t learned nearly as much as some people by the time they were my age, but I have learned to respect and cherish the ones that matter. I’ve been a horrible person. I’ve put people down, and tore them apart. I’ve been mean and rude. For that, I’m sorry. If I could remember and go to every person that I’ve ever been mean to and apologize I would. Unfortunately, I can’t. Those that know me now know my apologies and thanks. I don’t really worry too much about the others. I’m determined to live the rest of my life like nobody can stop me. I’ve wasted many many years doing things that are stupid. I barely remember half of my teenage years because of the drugs and booze. I would say that I regret that, but I don’t believe in regret. I wanted to do the stuff, and I did. I lived my life in the way that I wanted. Why should I regret that? I’ve had some instances where I messed up and put myself in situations that harmed me, but I still don’t regret it. I’ve grown and learned more than anyone I know. I’ve become someone that I truly am happy with. I know that sometimes I have my moments. I have those times when I feel like a failure, and a waste. Then i realize who I am. I’m not just Amber. I’m a friend, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt, and mostly, I’m a child of God. I’m human so I make mistakes, but I’ve learned some stuff. I have seen that it’s not about the mistakes that you make but the way you handle them. It’s not about the quantity of friends, it’s about the quality. It’s not about the money and the fame, it’s about the amount of love you have to share. I pray. I pray a lot. I’m learning to be a better prayer warrior. I tend to pray selfish things that will benefit me instead of those who actually need it. I’m learning to pray for my enemies, my family, my friends, and my surroundings instead of myself. I’m learning that I’m not the only one that matters. I’m just someone in a world of a million. I’m learning that it’s time for me to care about people other than just those in my life. Twenty-two years ago today, I began my learning process.

“My life to You, oh God, I give. So I stand before You, God, I lift my voice because You set me free.”

God, 

I know that I haven’t been the best follower. I know that I’ve made mistakes my entire life. I’m blessed to know that You see past that. You guide and forgive me. You make sure that I’m taken care of. I prayed for You to take out the bad and replace them with the good. Thus far it’s happening. You’re slowly blessing me with people that love You more than I do. You’re answering my prayers. I hate the fact that sometimes I need something tangible, some sort of manifestation of your presence. I’m only human. But You make sure that I know You’re there. You make sure that I have hope in my life. You make my life worth living. I know that sometimes I just want you to take me home. I know that this world isn’t my home. I know that who I am today means nothing compared to who I am tomorrow. I’m blessed with a great family, friends, and the necessities. Even in the hard times that my family is experiencing right now, I know You’re there. I suppose that’s why I’m so at ease. You’ve taken the worry and the stress and replaced it with just the right words I needed to hear. I’m slowly getting over my bondages and You’re teaching me to forgive. 

I believe that I’m here for a reason. Sometimes I want to know why. I want to know why You would put me here. I’ve honestly been miserable for quite some time. I’ve had no hopes, no goals, no ambition, nothing. Thank You for fixing my problems. Thank You for taking the bad and making me see the good in every situation. I finally know what it means to look on the bright side. Love doesn’t boast, but when it comes to You I want to shout it on the highest mountain. I crave conversations about You. I crave time with You. I long for anything that involves you. Thank You for that. Without You I honestly couldn’t tell You where I’d be. 

I know that most of the time I’m a selfish prayer. I know that most of the time I’m asking for something and expecting it immediately and becoming disappointed when it doesn’t happen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that instead of praying for my enemies, I pray for punishment. I’m sorry that instead of thanking You, I complain about everything I don’t have. I’m sorry that I never take the time to sit and just talk to You. I’m sorry that I’m lazy, ungrateful, selfish, greedy, human. I’m sorry, and that’s all I can say. But I thank You for everything. I want to enter into time with You just to thank You. I thank You for the ability to see my wrongs, and attempt to fix them. I thank You that You help me fix them. I am thankful for everything that You’ve blessed me with. I pray for nothing but love, and that’s all You’ve shown me. You don’t know what it means to have someone love me unconditionally. I have parents and family that does, but I also have the God of all Gods. 

Sincerely, Amber. 

“So I’ll shout out Your name from the rooftops I’ll proclaim that I am Yours. And all that I am I place into Your loving hands, and I am Yours.”

“I don’t know if you’re near or far away, but I know that I’m thinking of you today. I don’t know if I even know your name, but I know that I’m praying for you just the same.”

Future love, 

I see the majority of my friends falling in love, getting married and starting families. I see happiness and joy in people, and sometimes I feel like I want that. I want to know what it’s like to hold someone and know they’re the one. I want to know what it feels like to have a relationship that’s not based around physical attraction. I want to know a love that is based on honesty, trust, and Jesus. I want something real. I know that you’re going to come to me one day. I used to write to you and tell you that I hope you would come soon. Now, I see that it’s all in God’s timing. Patience is a virtue, but it’s a tough one. I know that you’re out there. I know that as I’m praying for you, you’re praying for me. I know that someday I’ll hold your hand, and dance with you on our wedding day. I can’t wait for that day. 

I look around and see so many things. Failed marriages, surviving marriages, loving marriages, fake marriages and just about every type of marriage you can imagine. I see these things and I pray for perfection in our relationship. I pray that our love will be based on God. I pray that you guide me and strengthen me in Christ. I pray that you teach me more about the Lord than I could ever imagine. I pray that you love the Lord more than I do. I pray for innocence in our marriage. I pray that you’re praying the same thing. 

I’ve been faced with a few people posing as you. I’ve been through hell and back looking for you. I’ve come to see that looking isn’t what I need to do. I’ve realized that when God sees fit, I’ll have you. Until then it is up to me to make sure that I stay pure and a healthy Christian. I want to be only the best woman for you. I want to be a Godly woman. I want God to guide me to you, and I know He will. I sometimes want you right then, but I see that it’s not up to me. It’s not my decision. It’s not my timing. It’s all about God. I see that if I put my faith in Him nothing will happen that isn’t meant to be. 

I dream of the day I walk towards you down that aisle. I can’t wait to see your face and reaction. I can’t wait for the day we have a family, and raise more warriors of God. I can’t wait for you to be mine. God will bless me with someone that can truly handle me. He’ll bless me with someone that will be patient and understanding with me. I know that He’ll take care of me. I think that’s why I’m so anxious to have you in my life. I know that what God wants for me is the best, and the best is what you will be. You’ll be perfect for me, and I for you. Your faith will be strong, your love will be real, your hands will fit mine perfectly. You are made just for me. I know that you’re out there somewhere and I know that you’ll come to me in time. 

I’m done rushing and searching. I’m done taking anything I can get. I’m a child of God and deserve only the best. I see that I’m worth more than I think I am. I see that God has made me in His image and I hope you see the same things. I want to encourage you and help you in life. I want to hold your hand and be there for you. 

I’m sorry for the mistakes and the impurities that come along with me. I’m sorry for the baggage, and the past. However, I know that you’ll see the real me through all of that. You’ll understand that I can’t change what I’ve done, and you’ll help me with what I will do. You’re going to make my eyes open to a whole new world. The past relationships will appear as if nothing ever happened. You’ll change me. You’ll be the reason that I’ve waited for so long. I’ll look back at my past and be able to laugh instead of dreading the judgment. I know that I’ve got quite the story, but you won’t see me as a failure. You’ll see me as a warrior, a fighter, a believer. You’ll see that I’m not who I used to be. 

Just know that I love you. 

Sincerely, Amber.

“Someday we’ll fall in love, you’ll be mine and I will be yours, our hearts will be one and our love will ever endure. And I’ll need you, and I’ll want you, and I’ll find you someday.”

This is not directed at just one person. Don’t give yourself that much credit. 

I have a lot of problems with a lot of people. People that I would consider friends, and those I would consider enemies. I try to be civil, but sometimes it’s hard. I don’t understand too much about the human mind. I don’t understand why you’d WANT to cause drama. I’ll admit that I used to be quite the trouble maker. Now, I see the friends I lost and the situations that I put myself into. I see that there’s nothing rewarding in it. Yes, I’ve talked about people. I’m sincerely sorry for that. I feel horrible about it, and honestly, I’m trying to not do that. I’m done with it. 

1.) I hate mind games. Matter of fact, I loath them and despise people that play them. Don’t text me and try to get me to say something so you can tell the other person. I feel like you can’t trust anyone, even those closest to you. I don’t understand why someone you would consider a friend would be such a conniving person. I don’t get why some people are so bored with their life that they have to cause trouble in someone else’s. Don’t add me on Facebook and not talk. Adding me so you can keep caught up with my life is pathetic. I understand that sometimes people make me out to be very interesting, but I promise I’m not. It’s really annoying when someone adds you just because the things they’ve heard about you and what you’ve done. It’s sad to think that your life is that boring.

2.) Don’t bother me with your stupid problems if you’re not going to listen. I don’t tell you something for the pleasure of hearing myself talk. Don’t come to me wanting advice, disregard it, and continue telling me how bad your life sucks. If I tell you my opinion and you can’t listen then don’t bother me. 

3.) I don’t care.

4.) Leave me be. 

“I know that starting over is not what life’s about, but my thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear in my mouth.”

I hate Facebook and how it asks what’s on your mind. Mainly because every time I read that question I start wondering what’s on my mind. I’m nothing but an emotional wreck lately. I cry at the drop of a hat, I laugh at everything, I’m anxious about nothing, I’m frustrated but bored. It’s like I’m feeling every emotion at once. It’s like I don’t know what to do. I have so many thoughts that I can’t even count them. I keep asking myself questions. Why am I here in Bowling Green? What does God have planned for me? Am I going to reach my goals? Will I be stuck here forever? When does this end? Why am I not happy? Can someone help me? Can this be fixed? What is going to happen to me? So many questions that I can’t answer, and that bothers me. Lately at night I’ve been tossing and turning because I can’t really sleep. When I do sleep it includes some sort of nightmare. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Is it me? Is it the world? Am I doing something wrong? What’s wrong with me? How can I change this feeling? What can I do to fix this? The worst part is that I feel like I’m stuck like this. I feel like I’m stuck here. 

I know they say that there’s no place like home, but this isn’t home anymore. This is hell, complete hell. I’m not happy. My surroundings are blurry and everyone hates me. I’m not here to whine about how much my life sucks. I’m not here to complain about the people around me. I’m mainly writing this so I can get these thoughts out of my head. I feel like if I write them out then they’ll go away, but I know that’s not true. It never hurts to try though. 

Sometimes I know that I bring things upon myself. I make mistakes, but for some reason they haunt me forever. I see people making mistakes and doing stupid stuff and people forget about it. With me? Everyone remembers. I don’t know what’s so different about me. I don’t understand why my past has to follow me everywhere that I go. I don’t see the difference. I’m human. Sure some of my mistakes are all over the internet. Sure, Amber Milam has become a household name (in a bad way). I can’t escape it. I’ve tried running. I’ve tried everything it feels like. I wanna know why it feels like I’m always stuck in life. It feels like I’ll never get out of this. I can’t tell if it’s just that week for me, or if I really am going insane. 

According to others I’m a mess, failure, stupid, slut, druggie, cheat, and everything else negative that you can call a person. I don’t understand why my life is plastered all over people’s mind. Do you guys not have anything else to talk about? Is your life really so pathetic that you have to make mine hell? I’m not happy. I’m miserable. I need to get out of here. I need to start over. I need to find a place that I can stand. It seems like the further I get in life the worse it gets. The more I push, the more something hits me. It’s like it’s never going to end. I’ve been to the point that I’ve tried giving up. I’ve been to my lowest of lows. I’ve hit rock bottom, so why am I not moving up. They say that once you’re at the bottom the only way to go is up, but I’m still here. 

I can sit and tell you that I’m okay, act confident and tell you that I’m going to achieve me dreams, laugh like I’m happy, and say things to make you think I’m content, but I’m not. I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m going to be stuck here forever like every other twenty-one year old loser in this town. I’m not any better than anyone else, but I do have dreams and goals that I want to achieve. I see these people that have nothing better to do than smoke all day and judge others and that makes me sad. Sad to think that someday that could be me. I could be stuck in this town forever, and that is terrifying. I could be stuck in this forever. There’s a chance that I’ll never get out of this. There’s a chance that I’ll be just like everyone else. I’ll go to college, start some business, and hate my life forever. That’s not what I want. I don’t want the books, the judging, the hate, anything in this place. 

This town and it’s people have made me ashamed. I’ve done things that are shameful, but mainly I hate so much that I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed to call myself a Christian and have the emotions that I have. There’s some people that I could honestly say I would have no remorse for if something was to happen to them. Matter of fact, I might even laugh. I have before. The feelings that I have for these people are the strongest feelings I’ve ever felt. I understand that I am a mess up, but who are you to judge what I’ve done? Who are you to say anything about me when you’re a low down nothing yourself? You have nothing. You’re going nowhere. See? I have things that I am determined to do in life, but I get held back because of people that don’t. I get put down by people that might as well be homeless, maybe then they’ll have some goals. I get ridiculed by people that should be in jail, maybe then they’d shut up. I am no better than anyone else. What makes you think you are? 

I’m all about a peaceful life, but I’m also realistic about things. 

“I’m gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.”

because without me, you would not exist.

Dear Bowling Green,

I have many words to say about you and your residents. Many times that I can recall that you’ve put me through complete and utter hell. You’ve shown me a side of hate that I never knew existed. I feel feelings for you that make me feel almost ashamed. I can’t describe the amount of anger, and hostility that I hold in my heart for you. I’m sorry for the harsh words that I’ve used towards some of your people. I’m sorry that I’ve been immature in many situations. I am mostly sorry that I’ve had to put up with you for this long. I see you and your people and realize that small towns aren’t meant for me. I’m meant for something bigger and better. Often times I’m made fun of, called names, laughed at, and usually the joke of the town. But you see, I’m better than all of that. 

As you know, I’ve lived in a few other places for periods at a time. I agree that there’s always going to be people that don’t like you, but the difference between you and those places is the maturity behind the situation. Someone that didn’t like me and I didn’t like made it known and dropped it. We were very civil with each other. We made sure that no drama interfered with our lives. I look at that and see how pathetic you are. I see how much better my life was without you. I understand that there’s no place like home,  but sometimes it’s better to leave and forget. I see the people in your town. I see them laughing at other people’s expense quite often. I see those people and how they act. I’ve seen people do some of the worst things I’ve ever seen to people. I see you people that think it’s so fun to bring others down. If that doesn’t show your character then I don’t know what does. 

I see that I’m no better than anyone else, but I do see the fact that I’m living. I live a life that I want to live, a life that I love. I’m living my life and going somewhere. Continue on with your fast food jobs, and little boy bands. We’ll see how far that gets you in life. I’ve been given opportunities that people only dream of, and I’ll be damned if I don’t take them. I’m ready to succeed in life. I’m ready to make myself known for something than what I used to be. Most people look at me based on my past, but I’m ready to move on to my future. It’s a little difficult to live in your vicinity and not feel like a loser. I feel like such a waste of time just sitting here in this town. I’ve been places and I know what it’s like. Sure, I messed up, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t try again. At least I’m trying.

You seem to be afraid of me. The majority of those people that bring me down do it over Facebook and say nothing in public. As much as I like the peace in public I would much rather be told something to my face. Hiding behind your computer screens for the rest of your life is something that you obviously look forward to. I only live in your town because I don’t have the money to get out now. Most of your people claim that they want a better life, yet all they have time for is talking too much. I have no use for anyone in your town or you in general. 

You are nothing to me. You’re a waste of space and your people are a waste of breath. Please continue trying to bring me down. It only makes me push harder. I would appreciate you keeping my name out of your mouth and my pictures out of your town. What I was at one point has nothing to do with any little bit of you. My past is mine and there’s a reason that you’re not in my future. My goals in life WILL be achieved. How many of you are confident to say that? How many of you can honestly say you’re happy with where your life is going?

Don’t waste my time with your petty people anymore. I’ve got a life and it doesn’t include anything from Bowling Green.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely, Amber.

I’ve been nothing for six months now. I’ve literally sat and done nothing every day and making no attempt at life. I’ve come to a realization lately that I need something. I’m missing something. No, I’m not talking about God. I’ve already got Him. But physically and emotionally I’m missing something. I feel like I’m worthless and that I’m never going to do anything. I don’t want to be fifty and still depending on my parents. I don’t want to depend on a husband or friends. I want to depend on myself and myself alone. I don’t want to know that for the rest of my life I’ll be unhappy and doing something merely to make money. I want to know that I love what I’m doing. Going to college and owning a business as a web designer would be great but photography is my love. I want so bad to shoot high fashion model stuff. I want to do something I’m not only good at, but that I love doing. I love taking moments and capturing them. I love to catch a smile, a real genuine smile. I love making memories. I was told today that I needed to shoot weddings and birthday parties and let that be that. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be stuck here, in Bowling Green, shooting weddings. Don’t get me wrong, that’s all fun and dandy, but it’s not me. I can’t contain myself to this town. I’ve got something that some people don’t have the opportunity to do. I’ve got everything I want. It’s just a matter of getting there and getting ahold of it. I know I can do it, I just need some sort of support. I need all the support that I can get. I feel like I don’t have that at all. I feel like the only people that support me are those that could care less. I feel like I have nobody in this. Being told things that bring me down are just upsetting me. I want to prove to myself, and everyone else that I really can do this. I want to show the world and myself that I’m not another failure. I’m ready to be mature about things and attempt to live a great life and enjoy it. 

I guess I’m writing this to say, 

please support me. 

I’ve taken some time today to mediate on life. I’ve looked into myself. I actually sat in front of a mirror and looked at myself. I looked at myself in two different senses. I looked in the sense of physically I’m starting to become happy with my looks. I looked in the sense that I needed to reflect on my life. I needed to stop and think. I needed to look at what I’ve become. I’m not happy with it. I’m happy with my outward appearance but not my spiritual appearance. I’m not happy with who I’ve become and the image that I put out for everyone to see. I promised a lot to myself a while ago, yet I’m becoming that again. I need new surroundings and positive influences. I love my life in the sense of I’ve made some amazing memories. But when I look at those memories some horrible ones come along with it. I’ve made mistakes just like everyone else. I’ve been human. I’ve always struggled with trying to be perfect. How can I strive for that and live like hell? How can I sit and try to call myself a follower of Christ and live like hell? I can’t show who I truly am by doing stupid things that ruin me. I can’t live up to the godly image that I want and that saddens me.

I know that life can suck sometimes but today I realized that life is what you make it. I’ve seen that I can wake up and tell myself that it’s going to be a great day no matter what happens, or I can wake up and throw a pity-party. I can make myself happy or live in my depression. I know that life can really suck sometimes, but it’s up to me to make it through the tough times. It’s up to me who I am. It’s not the opinions of people. It’s not what the people around me say. It’s not about any of that. It’s about me. I can take the negative comments to heart or realize that I’m not what people say. I can make sure that I’m happy and from here on out that’s my plan. I want to look at myself and see my life as something encouraging and uplifting to other people and those close to me. I want to make a mark in this world. I want people to look at me and smile. I know that I’ve got a bad reputation thus far, but I can change my future. I know that my past will always haunt me, but it’s up to me to show people I’ve changed. I know I can do it, it’s just the matter of how much support I have from other people. 

I don’t know where I’m going to go or what I’m going to do. I’ve come to realize that life is one big surprise. I may never know why I’m here, but I know that I want to be known as someone that people can rely on. I want to be someone that people can look at and say, “Hey! I love her!” I want to know that people enjoy my company. I don’t want to look back when I’m older and see the past being something that I regret. My mistakes are my human tendencies. My mistakes are what’s gotten me to where I am. I’m standing before you today as someone that is determined. I am determined to succeed in life. I don’t want to waste another minute. I want to actually remember the memories I make. 

I’m not here to convert you or shove anything down your throat, but to let you know where I stand. I love God with everything in me. He’s my crutch, my rock, my foundation. I don’t know where I’d be today without Him. I don’t know that I’d even be alive today without Him. I don’t know what would have happened to me. I sit here today writing this in faith that I’m set in life. I know that no matter what happens in life that I’m okay. I know that in life God’s got my back. I know that I’m taken care of. I know this because of the chances that I’ve been given. I know that I’m forgiven. I know that I’m a child of God and with knowing that I know I’m blessed. I’m determined to wake up every day and thank God for another peaceful sleep and another breath in the morning. I want to be thankful for what I’ve been given. I want to be faithful in what I believe. I want to make sure that God gets the respect that He deserves. I know that I’m not the best “christian” but I know that I can strive for that. 

“and Father, let my heart be after you.”

Panic! At The Disco, naps, love, friends, family, food, and amazing.